CONFIDENCE...yea, I remember you!

Hi dolls,

Have to share another NSV (non scale victory) with you all.  I attended a formal ball hosted by my job on last night (2/15). I wore a pretty red/black dress and to die for shoes!! Got my hair done and makeup was flawless.  It was only until today, that I realized that I actually felt secure with myself at that ball last night.

Normally, I would be very self conscious about how I looked and if I looked OK in the clothes I was wearing.  I would often compare myself with others in attendance and wonder if I measured up to their standards, If I fit in with the people I was around. I would hide behind others in pictures. I would shy away from completely enjoying myself because I didn't feel I deserved to be seen.

Well, last night I had NONE of those feelings!! I felt good in my clothes, I felt good about how I looked in them. I was confident. I did not even think about how I compared to the other ladies in attendance. I danced all I wanted to! I felt free, confident, and BEAUTIFUL!!!

It's funny how no one can make you feel as beautiful as when you make YOURSELF feel beautiful....if that makes any sense.  Others may compliment you and tell you they think you are pretty. But for me, it didn't hit home until I FELT beautiful from within!! I smiled way more than normally (for those that know me, you know smiling is RARE). I was in more pictures than normal, because I was not afraid of the camera!

This is an amazing feeling! To be FREE from your own self judgment! It's hard enough to endure the judgment of others! I shared this with a friend who is thinking about having a weight loss procedure of her own...I also told her I can't wait for her to experience the same sort of things in her own personal journey! I am so excited for her! She shared with me that I was a positive example of what weight loss surgery success looks like! That was a powerful statement! She does not realize what she did for me by saying that! I am helping her start her journey, and I feel like I am reliving mine! I can't wait to see her transform before my eyes!

On a side note, I am still amazed by all the "stranger" attention I am getting from people. I was in a local grocery store a few days ago, and I male employee could not keep his eyes off of me. I had on no makeup, a hat pulled way down, jeans and a regular shirt. I was in no way "made up" and he was more than helpful with what I was in search of.  It was funny to me, because, I began to wonder would he bother if I was dressed the same and overweight. Then another female  (over weight and dressed very casual) came onto the same isle and needed assistance in finding an item and this same male employee did not bother to even speak to her...that gave me my answer right then!! People really do over look you if you are not "appealing" to their eye.

Be happy with who you are! It took me a long time to figure that out! Love yourself!! I know it is easier said than done, but if you won't let another person belittle you....don't allow yourself to do the same! Here is a pic of us headed to the ball.

 

 

 

On the left is me at the same function in2/2012

On the right is me 2/2013

Look at the difference!! Weight loss surgery was one of the best things I've EVER done for myself!!

 

 

 

CELEBRATING 2 NSV

I had an EYE opening NSV (non scale victory) last night!! I was done showering and drying off. Usually, I just drape the towel under my arms because it did not wrap around me (and actually close all the way). For some reason, I did WRAP the towel around me and to my surprise IT CLOSED!!! No gap in the front as usual! I began to do a happy dance in my head and a BIG OLE GRIN spread across my face!!!

That is one of the things I never liked my husband to see...was me in a towel. There was always a gap either in the front or back of the towel with me in it! It may have been no big deal to him but in my head it was embarrassing!!!

I continued with my routine of getting ready for bed, but I did not want to take the towel off! Can you say PROUD OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENT!

NSV #2...I went over to get uniform shirts for work a few days ago. When I first got issued a uniform the shirts were size 2X. Pants were size BIG! This time, I (out of habit) reached for the larger size shirts to try on. Went thru a XL, L, then finally down to MEDIUM. And the medium still had some room in the shirt. SAY WHAT?!? Yep, I did a happy dance in that bathroom stall too!! BAHAHAHA! This is so rewarding to experience! It's kinda wierd tho, because I experience joy and fear at the same time. I feel the joy because I have reached some goals. The fear comes in because my brain actually realizes that I am actually smaller, thinner, healthier. Does that make sense to anyone other than myself??

Anyways, Just thought I'd share some of my non scale victories!! Just because the scale does not move, does not mean that you have not made progress toward your goals!!

Panera detox..

Morning dolls...

It's been a few weeks since my last post. I am happy to report that I did get rid of the 3lbs (and lost a bit more), I gained hanging out at my favorite place...Panera!! Woohoo for me! I did not visit nor order from there for 2 whole weeks! I was proud of myself because the ladies I work with ordered from Panera about 2-3 times during my detox, and I DID NOT order. That took a lot of restraint. I knew I had a goal to reach and I was determined to reach it.

I did, however, decide to visit again, but from now on, I will use good sense and remember what happened! Lesson Learned....bread is NOT MY FRIEND!

I met and had lunch with a fellow weight loss surgery patient about a week ago.  This made for  very interesting conversation.  I discovered that my struggles are not just mine! I have mind hurdles to over come and they are shared by others! That makes me feel more normal.  She too, loves Panera. I learned that she also has struggled with shopping in the new "wrong section" of the store. I was sharing with her how my shopping experience was over the holiday season trying to find a dress to wear for the Christmas party.  I refused to buy a dress that made me look any bigger than I am, because I have worked hard to get rid of so much weight. 

She also has experienced the "strangers making eye contact" now when they speak to us. It's odd, that no one wanted to speak before I lost weight....now everyone makes eye contact! hmmm.... At any rate, It was nice to share some of my experiences and thoughts with another person that understands and can identify with them.  It's just a bit harder to make a complete lifestyle change and there is no support system or someone who can identify with what you are going thru and dealing with.  I'm glad I have a supportive husband and family who helped me along as much as they could during the initial process.  Support can make the difference in success vs failure.

I am working toward being "bathing suit" ready for the summer. I have increased my strength training and my husband is helping me with that. He's teaching me lifting techniques and I am teaching him about healthy eating and supplements. Playing on the same team is awesome...team fitness!

I want to share a pic I found online that really spoke to me. It shows exactly what happened to me when I had weight loss surgery....I unzipped the girl that had been trapped inside for many years. Follow my journey thru pics on Instagram "kassigirlb"

Until next time dolls...

I promised I would...

...keep things completely honest with my readers. Sooo, in doing so, I must confess that I have gained 3 pounds over this holiday season!! Yes, (with my head hung down), I may have indulged a bit too much at Panera since it opened in my town! I believe consuming so much of their tasty bread was my problem.

You have to understand my obsession with this place.  I L O V E Panera! I don't have to worry much about what I choose to eat from there because they use mostly all natural ingredients and they have many more options for me. The thing is, that I ate there for about 2 weeks straight! In my defense, I only got the soup and half sandwich. And I enjoyed every bite of the half sandwich too!  I would eat the soup for say lunch and then eat half of the half of sandwich for dinner. A few times I had a pastry with it that I would eat for "dessert" much later in the day (I'm sure this was a bad decision as well). Which, I'm sure did not help my situation. I also have not worked out much at all in the last few weeks.

I got consumed with working and shopping and all the events we had over the last couple of weeks too. I am not making excuses for myself, just explaining what happened. I also wanted to let you all know that just because I had weight loss surgery, it does not mean that I don't struggle with the same food addictions/desires as anyone else. I did, however, make better choices than I would have before the surgery. I did not over eat, like I would have normally done before the surgery also. I know now when to back away from the plate. And I have guilt like no other now when I even think about something that I should not have. Just the thought of it makes me feel so bad, that it deters me from eating things like chocolate candy and cakes and pies and all.

It was all I could do not to have some of my grandmothers sweet potato pie and lemon cake. There was food EVERYWHERE this holiday season. Even at work, people would bring food and snacks in to say thank you, and it was cookies, and cakes and sweets galore!! O.M.GOSH!! The fear of sugar kept me away from it.

Whew! With all that said, it is time for me to tighten up and get back to the discipline that I know I have within me! I am committed to myself! I am determined not to go back to the unhealthy habits I had before. It is easy to fall. It is easy for someone to talk about you when you fall. But they don't know what to do with you when you continue to GET UP and keep moving toward your goal! Be that one to GET BACK UP and keep it moving!

Later dolls...

2012 reflection

As 2012 comes to a close, I think back to the way I felt at the beginning of the year. I was over weight, unhealthy with a desire to change. I would look at other women and say to myself "I wish I could wake up and look like them" or Why were they born with that body and not me. My knees would hurt if I walked for too long, not to mention out of breath.  I wore a size 22 clothes and they were getting to be too small. I had only a few items that still fit but did not want to buy bigger clothes.

I wanted to hide all the time and I did hide from cameras and wanted to stay in the house and just send my family out to the events we were invited to. I did not want my husband to look at me naked and God knows not naked with the light on!! I felt like he deserved to be with someone else who looked as good as he does. Very low self esteem and low confidence.

I finally decided to change ALL of that!! I did research on having weight loss surgery and decided that no more would I lie to myself and say that I could loose the weight on my own!! I wanted to be healthy for myself and be around longer for my children. I did not want them to be embarrassed to have me come to the school for them. I decided that I deserved to be happy and HEALTHY!! I was tired of taking blood pressure medication and was afraid that Diabetes was not far away!! I had to put aside how I thought others would talk about me for having such a surgery...because guess what??? They were talking about me already because of my weight!!

So I had the gastric bypass surgery and it was one of the BEST things I've done for MYSELF!!! I am no longer on blood pressure meds, I feel better, sleep better, look better and enjoy life A LOT MORE!!! I am aware of everything that goes into my mouth and I make a decision not to hurt myself ever again like I did for sooo many years!

My family was very supportive of my decision and are happy that I am now happier! It is a huge adjustment....it is a LIFESTYLE change and a LIFE LONG commitment to myself. But I feel like I am worth that life long commitment to take better care of myself!

I also went after a promotion at work and got it! My husband got a better job and enjoy what he does. We were truly blessed in 2012. I am even thankful for all the trials that came our way. It made us stronger and drew us closer together. If you can't work with your partner then why have a partner?? I learned that there is a blessing in my testing!! It comes to make you stronger, wiser and better!

I am thankful for the support of my readers. Many or few, I thank you for helping keep me accountable on this weight loss journey!

I pray for peace, blessings and triumph for each of you and your families. I hope you go after every dream and reach every goal you set for yourselves in 2013! Why wait til the beginning of the year to set goals for yourself? EVERY day you wake up is another chance to get it right!!

Happy New Year dolls!