The Emotional Toll

I touched a bit in the last post about how I felt being over weight.  It definately is a struggle to co-exist in the world when you are not considered "normal" to most people.  The pressure and feelings you have about your own self is bad enough. Not to mention the looks and comments "the world" have to say about you.  Some people feel the need to voice their opinion LOUDLY....others decide to snicker and whisper about you when they see you.

Most say I "carried my weight well" but what does that REALLY mean?!? I am, by nature, very hard on myself and have high standards for myself. So, naturally, I felt horrible as i put the weight on.  When I was smaller, I got alot of attention from males, got invited to all the events, and looked good everywhere I went.  As I put on weight, the invites slowed down, males over looked me for my "skinny" friends, and I felt like I didn't measure up.

My husband is a HOTTIE!! and even when I was smaller, I had to deal with the women checking for him.....when I gained the weight, they looked at me like "what is he doing with her", or "he don't need to be with her". That was hard to deal with because sometimes, I thought to myself, they are right! He's a hott guy and what AM I doing with him?? My weight affected our relationship in many ways.  We eventually overcame the challenges and are doing fine now!

My self esteem, confidence in myself, and the way I interacted with people changed drastically!  I was no longer comfortable in my own skin. I used to LOVE to take pictures. Everytime the camera flashed, I was in a picture. I quickly started to shy away from every photo opportunity that came around. I didn't want this "ugly body" to be forever captured somewhere! I was VERY confident in myself; I began to doubt almost everything I did. I also changed the way I dressed; I used to wear loud colors and very cute clothing. I started wearing alot of dark colors as trying to hid myself.

I was ALWAYS hot!! I called fat "my insulation" because before I gained weight, I would almost NEVER sweat! I wanted to wear less clothing, but at the same time, I didn't want to show myself.  I'm not the type of person to wear just anything.  I would not wear things that made me look worse or bigger than I was. Or clothing that was 2 sizes 2 small, just to wear what was trending for the season.  There were some cute items that I would of killed to wear, but I didn't want to give anyone any more reason to judge or talk about me!! And of course, there's my husband and children, who would check me before I left the house...so if I had on something that was hidious, they surely let me know! lol

I eventually got to the point that I felt BETTER about my weight gain, and became a little less hard on myself. I began to smile more and "fix myself up" before I left the house. I began to realize that big girls can be BEAUTIFUL girls too!! I was still not COMFORTABLE in my own skin, but I was ok with who I had become.

Alot of over weight people will not publically talk about the way they REALLY feel. I hope to help someone with their struggle with weight! Someone may feel the same way I did and think "no one feels like this but me" but that's not true! You can be a beautiful person if you LOVE yourself first! Hard lesson to learn and also hard to do! I realized that even with the weight gain I am somebody, I am an intelligent person, and I can do great things and I can look good at my size, and I began to LOVE myself first! When you love yourself first, the thoughts and opinions of others DO NOT MATTER!

Now, I smile more, because I feel alot better about myself, my health is steadily improving, and I have a brighter outlook on the rest of my life! I'm glad I had the surgery because I want to be around to enjoy my family and my husband (no 2nd wife for him, sorry honey, lol) and be able to do things with them without worrying about if they are concerned about how I look. I will soon be a hot mama coming to the parent/teacher conference, and my husband can walk tall with his hot wife by his side.

Yes, I have more confidence!! Yes, I am excited about my transformation in progress!! Yes, I am healthier and happy about it!!

Y E S!!!!!

Gotta Catch up/UPDATE!!

Ok, so It's been a little while since i've posted.  I've had alot going on. I gave my mom a surprise 55th birthday party; which was a hit.  Then father's day came along. That was hard to deal with. This was the first one since my grandfather passed away.  I miss him soo much. I often wonder what he would say about me having the gastric surgery and also what he would say to see the weight just falling off of me. Grand pops I love and miss you dearly!!!

I had my first workout session with the In Motion trainer today! He was impressed with my progress thus far. Stated I was well beyond where I should b e. Which makes me happy because that lets me know that I'm doing things right!  It's been hard to ignore all the food, good food i may add, that has been enjoyed around me. But, it's worth it when I hear my progress is going so well.

I don't know what my measurements were prior to surgery because I really didn't want to know. So I'll just say they were "fat". Here are my measurements at 1 month from surgery:

Starting weight 252

Current weight 221

Total weight loss to date: 31

Clothes size was 22

Current clothes size is 16/18

Neck 14.5

Chest 44.5

Mid arm 15.25

Waist 45.5

Hips 47

Mid thigh 24.5

Waist to hip ratio 0.97

Pre surgery BMI 41.93

Post surgery BMI 37.3

My goal BMI (body mass index) is 24.96. The trainer said that I've made significant progress with the weight loss. Said that I loss more than expected for the first month. I am really happy with my progress.  I have been determined to make the best of this experience. It's been a challenge to find foods to eat to change up the menu and still stay with in the bounds of what I can have. I'm excited about how i'm feeling.  I look forward to getting dressed now. I always wanted to look pretty when I go out. But now i FEEL pretty when I go out. That makes a difference!! FEELING pretty is so much better than WANTING to be pretty!! I take the time to make sure my makeup is done, jewelry and even wearing my contacts!! I would not wear them before because I felt my face was too fat to not have my glasses on.

I look forward to being able to go shop for clothes now. I want to wear the cute things I see.  I have a whole new outlook on life. I feel better about myself. I know I healthier; I don't take blood pressure meds, my back feels better with the weight coming off (had previous back surgery from an injury). My energy level is coming back up. I just feel soo much better!

My husband is excited about my transformation as well!! He's excited about the things we will be able to do together now! I have to say it makes for a better relationship also. Because I'm happier, he's happier and we are happier together! I can't wait to shop for lingerie too!! They just don't make plus size lingerie as pretty or as available around this area. I won't have to be self conscious about the things i put on for him; because I know i'll look good in them. I'm just keeping it REAL yall!!

I've bought a few things for myself and have worn some of the things I haven't been able to wear in a while. That felt GREAT!! You know how you keep that one pair of smaller jeans.....well I was able to get into and WEAR my smaller jeans the other day!!! They were actually kinda baggie in the butt area, but I was STOKED that I could wear them!

Here are a few pics from my progress........

Me in February 2012



March 2012

April 2012.
The dress makes me look alot
 smaller than I am



6/3/12 post surgery



6/14/12 post surgery

6/24/12 post surgery

As you can see, my face has slimmed down tremendously!! I can tell in my waist area as well. But the biggest difference is in the way my clothes fit. HUGE difference.  I'm happy about it!!



Feeling better about things.....

Today, I had some of the new foods that I am now allowed!! I started the day with BACON. It was the best thing ever! I got to have some dry cereal, that was good too. It was refreshing to have something other than the foods i've been eating!! TYJ.

My clothes are getting bigger and bigger. I think I'm gonna loose my britches in transit, lol. I've started selling some of the clothes i own now. The plan is to use that money to buy NEW, SMALLER clothes!! WOO HOO!! I can't wait to shop some of the stores I've had to walk by in the past because they don't sell plus size clothing!! That's motivation in itself! It gives me hope to look at the smaller clothes and know that I will soon be able to try them on and maybe purchase them if I like it!

I have not always been plus size. It was a hard transition to plus size. To be truthful, it happened before my eyes, but i didn't even realize it.....does that make sense.  It's like one day I looked at myself and I was PLUS! It's so easy to put on the weight and enjoy every minute of it. It is ten times as hard to loose the weight.  I have been on the weight roller coster and that was a hard, emotional ride!!  Besides, yo-yo dieting is not healthy either. 

Even with the surgery, this is still a hard journey. The surgery changed my stomach, NOT MY MIND. I still battle with temptation all around me. FOOD IS EVERYWHERE!!! The fact that I know I can't have some of the things I still crave is a big help. Knowing that one bite of something can bring me to my knees (litterally) is a big deterant.

Some of the ladies at work want to try and eat like I have to. They are going to limit themselves to the foods that I can have, as well as eat out of the 1oz cups that I eat from.  I am now allowed to have 1-2 oz of whatever I eat.  GOOD LUCK LADIES!!

It's nice when people notice that you are slimming down.  It's still hard for me to see the changes in my body, but when others can see it, it lets you know that you're doing good and the struggle is paying off!

Open the flood gates!!

Went to visit the nutritionist today!!! Had a great review of my progress. I have actually lost more weight than expected in the 3 weeks since the surgery!! That was encouraging news to hear.  She was proud of my progress and I was surprised.  I have done well with eating 3 meals a day and taking in all the fluids needed.

On to the biggest news of the day......IT'S BACON!!! I can have turkey bacon or canadian bacon. Cheese is now on the menu as long as it is "light" or "reduced fat". I can cook with "I can't believe its not butter" I can have cereal (very small amount). I'm just soo excited about the new variety I can have now!! OH, OH, lets not forget the veggies!! Granted, it may only be ONE or TWO greenbeans that I can have with a meal.....BUT I can have it!! OMG, I've missed you veggies!!! AND I can have fruit!! YEA ME!!

This may be nothing for some people, but when you have been only able to eat certain foods, then this to me is the best thing ever!!!

So I'm off to a great start. They gave me my projections for the next 3 months....and that is cause for celebration!! I hope to surpass that goal by leaps and bounds!! I am determined to be the best I can be at this weight loss journey!  It has been hard to see others eat things I loved to eat.

Having this surgery did not change my way of thinking about food. It only changed the amount my stomach can hold.  It is up to me to control myself and not have the things that made me overweight in the first place. The temptation of food is still there....EVERYWHERE!!!  They say it takes 21 days to change a habit.....I hope that's true! I'm sure this will get better.  Right now tho I still have the mindset of a "FAT GIRL"!!!  So, in order to help me control myself, I just express what I would want to eat instead of obscess about it!! I told my husband last night I wanted a hot dog with chilli and cheese, ketchup, mustard, relish and onions.  His response was "get some water and go to bed" lolol.  So with that I went to bed! Maybe he was right.

I immediately had some string cheese (since this is now allowed, reduced fat, of course) and it was the best tasting cheese i've had in a LOOOONG time!! One serving actually filled me up. Looking forward to going grocery shopping!!



It's the small things

I'm finally starting to notice the weight loss in the way my clothes fit.  Everything is getting loose. I'm also finally able to sleep on my side; although not for long. Not being able to sleep on my stomach (best sleep ever), but having to lay flat on my back and sleep is no fun.  Ive been sleep deprived since having the surgery.
 

I'm looking forward to buying new clothes and can't wait to see what I will look like in a few months.  What I'm most excited about is that on tomorrow, I go to see the nutritionist!!! She will add foods to my list!! I am SO over chicken, fish and eggs!! I want some variety! There's only so much you can do to jazz up tuna fish when you are limited to what you can ADD to it!

My husband is a little disgruntled because I'm loosing weight in places that HE does not want me to!! Even before surgery, if i lost a few pounds, it would come from my breast and butt area first. SORRY HONEY!!

The smaller things I have noticed that I can do so far is....I can wear my watch again. My wrists were so fat that my watches did not fit anymore. I can wear my wedding rings again! I had not worn them in about 2-3 months because my fingers were fat. I wonder if my feet will get smaller?? Not sure about that, but It would be nice to wear a smaller size shoe!

I often also wonder about hair loss or thinning. I know others who have had this surgery and have loss alot of hair. I sure hope that doesn't happen to me. My grandmother passed down nice, thick hair to me and my daughter.  She is able to put a relaxer in her hair and go outside and mow the lawn, and work in the flower beds for hours before washing it out and she is not bald yet!!  I sure hope that is the case for me. I have a short crop cut now, but I sure don't wanna be BALD! The doctors say if you take in enough protein that you can avoid that. So here's to all the protein I can handle!

I have a long way to go. I am praying that I will be a healthy journey! So many things can go wrong when you have a surgery like this. I will pray about it and leave it there.

Food gone WAAAYYY wrong!!

Yesterday, I had a HUGE learning experience!! I'm at work and the girls are ordering out. So I decide that since I am able to eat seafood, that I want to have some crabcake balls.  Under doctors orders, I am not allowed to have ANYTHING fried. WHATSOEVER!!!  I did not realize that the crabcake balls would be fried; Im just thinking about they are seafood and I will be able to eat them. So when the food arrives, Im so EXCITED!!! :-D (yay I get to eat something else besides, eggs, canned chicken and tuna)

I get one of the crabcake balls and begin to eat the inside of it first. Just to taste it...(i've never had a crabcake before) They have mustard and a sweet/spicy sauce to go with it. My brain is on overload!!! I'm thinking YUMMY!! I like the inside so much that i began to eat the outside of it. (still not thinking that the outside is fried) The crabcake ball is GONE! I ate the whole thing; very tasty! My tastebuds are dancing in my mouth!!

Then it dawns on me......i think the outside was fried, the more i look at the other crabcake balls, now i KNOW they were fried.  In what????? Im not so sure. About 10 min after eating, i began to feel sick. Stomach is now doing the DOUGIE!!

My whole demeanor changes from HAPPY I ATE THE CRABCAKE BALLS.....to WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF!!!

My stomach begins to cramp like there's no tomorrow.  I feel like my intestins are packing up and getting ready to leave my body!! At this point the whole room now knows that KaSandra has eaten the WRONG thing!! There is a look of concern and OMG on their faces. I tell my supervisor that I need to go home. Not sure what lies ahead of me but I know for SURE that work is NOT  the place to handle the rest of this crisis.

IMMEDIATELY upon arriving home, I have a date with the THRONE!!! That food went right thru me!! I was not only sitting on the throne but also PRAYING to the throne!! LORDAY!!

Lesson learned.......NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER disobey doctors ORDERS!!!

Getting back to normal

Let me just start with as of today, I am 23lbs down!! (cause for celebration). It is an amazing feeling to get onto the scale and see the numbers going down; as opposed to the way they used to go....up, up and away!!! I lost 12lbs the first week of surgery. By the second week I had lost 8lbs more. And, the lbs just keep falling off. Its hard to believe that they are just melting away like that; especially since it took me years to pack em on!

I started back to work on Monday. Things went well. Others can notice a change in by body immediately.  They say my face is slimmer, my clothes are slightly bigger. Thats wonderful news. However, I can not really tell the difference as of yet.  They say it takes awhile for YOU to notice the change in YOU.


I am glad I went ahead with the surgery.  It is only a tool in the weight loss battle that rages on in my life. I still want to eat everything in sight, mearly for the fact that I know I can not have it. I have discovered that food is really an addiction.  Much like drugs and anything else you can be addicted to. I think about food all day long. Before the surgery, it was what do i want to eat for the next meal....Since the surgery, its what can i have for the next meal. I have to plan my meals out everyday. Measure what I take in, as to not damage my new "pouch".


I feel everything that goes into my mouth. Even sips of water, when they hit my pouch. I have this incredible craving for a taco....you never miss the well til the water runs dry.  Even so, I know this is for the best. I can say proudly, that I no longer have to take blood pressure meds!! (woo hoo)

Recovery is energy consuming! I have been tired since I left the hospital. Im waiting for this to go away. I had minimal pain since I left the hospital, and I'm glad about that because it could of been way worse!

Learning to deal with people eating foods around me that I can't have has been an experience. I have to do positive reinforcement thoughts constantly.  I want what they are eating and enjoying....but I say to myself....self, you can do this! you are doing this for your health! Then self gets back in line (that is until the next meal is eaten in front of me)

It really is a mind thing as well as physical changes. The mind is a powerful thing. I have to remember that in a few months, I will look completely different and will be healthier and happier; and have to think if that TACO is really worth the setback it could cause me.

So, now I will enjoy my vanilla bean protein drink and look forward to my treat (sugar free jello) later on today!

The first day of the rest of my life

On 5/21 I had gastric bypass surgery. This was a decision 3 yrs in the making. It was not an easy decision but definately a necessary one.  I have not always been overweight. I was a size 9/10 and about 120lbs before I began having children. One thing led to another and 3 children later, I was 252lbs. That may not be alot of weight to someone else, but for me it was a huge game-changer in my life.

Weight, since then, was an issue in alot of aspects of my life. For the obvious, i carried it around with me everywhere I went. I was not the only one who could see it. (from time to time, i wondered what life would be like if no one else knew i was overweight). It affected my marriage. My children only saw me as "momie" not "overweight momie". Hopefully, this blog will help someone else with the same struggle.  It has been emotional journey thus far. So, stay tuned for more.....very honest, candid posts from me!

This will detail the journey to a MORE COMFORTABLE ME.